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White Claw Hard Seltzer Review

Claws Up

By Guest Contributor Schytabyss


With the hard seltzer war of 2019 starting to heat up I thought it was time to cover the action. What better place to start than ground zero with a variety pack of White Claw. I set off on my journey by driving to my local supermarket and elbowing, shimmying, and squeezing my way through the crowded alcohol aisle. Diving deep in to the sea of degeneracy passed the hard cider and Smirnoff ice section I found my target, a dreary box of White Claw. As I swallowed the shame of lugging a product that was clearly designed and produced for childless 40 year old women who lock themselves in their one-bedroom apartments, cuddling 1 of their 8 cats while telling themselves their career was worth it, to the cashier I prayed no one recognized me.



At last, home safe. I ripped the depressing box open and started to examine the cans. Black Cherry, Natural Lime, Ruby Grapefruit, and Raspberry White Claw cans stared back at me. I decided to try the one flavor I see on every drunk sorority girls Instagram account, Black Cherry. One gulp and I was overwhelmed by the taste of Robitussin and wells vodka. I managed to muscle it down only to realize raspberry and grapefruit weren’t any better. The only one that seemed to be somewhat friendly on the pallet was natural lime. By then I was on my fourth drink. I could feel myself transforming in to an elitist hipster with every sip. I couldn’t help but feel as if I was out of place by not wearing a Che Guevara t-shirt and a Hijab as a trendy scarf while preaching the benefits of economical socialism. 4 hours later and I was off to bed, thankful the 12 White Claws were no longer littering my fridge. I woke up the next day with a minor hangover. Far better than what I expected. I would rate this 3/10. Taste is intolerable, cans unappealing, buzz isn’t the greatest. The only use for White Claw would be to top off a disguise as you infiltrate a #MeToo protest. Hard seltzer? More like hard pass.

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